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Does Mom Matter?

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A recent article in The Huffington Post entitled “Why I Regret Being a Stay-at-Home Mom” has ruffled a few feathers.  In it the author offers remorse for certain aspects of her SAHM experience and more specifically, her short-sightedness regarding  what would happen in her professional life when her nest emptied.

Hundreds of mothers on the web have offered their opinions on the piece.  Many of them suggest the author is ungrateful, self-pitying, and selfish.

While I cannot understand attacking someone’s personal truth, especially when that someone does not imply it is or should be anyone else’s truth, more importantly, I do not understand why there is a “party line” SAHMs are expected to toe.  Why must a mom put on a false smile and say she loves every minute with her kids and being a SAHM is such a privilege if that isn’t how she feels, or isn’t how she feels in that moment?  Do her personhood and personal truth no longer matter because she’s a mother who does not work outside the home?

When a woman gives birth it is said that all that matters is a healthy baby.  Why is it assumed that a woman should feel nothing but happiness while holding her live baby even if she has been disrespected and/or verbally or physically abused through the birth process?  Why does her experience not matter?  Why do her personhood and personal truth no longer matter?

“Motherhood does not equal martyrdom.”

When a woman becomes a mother she should not be expected to give up the entirety of herself in exchange for 1. a healthy baby and 2. years of caring for that baby.

Society does not tell men that they no longer matter when they become fathers.  It is expected that their lives will become a give and take, a delicate balance of making a living at work and making a life at home.

The insistence on relegating moms in general and SAHMs in particular to martyrdom, to sacrifice without certain returns, is sexist and oppressive.  (Oh, but I know.  Being a SAHM mom is pure privilege and never sacrifice, right?  Toe the line!)

I recognize there is no perfect solution to the work-life balance for mothers.  Biologically and anthropologically speaking we are meant to be with our young children doing work in or near home and surrounded by a familial or tribal support system.  With the advent of technology, a focus on and ability to accumulate material wealth, and a move away from the collective towards the individualistic we no longer “need” to be nearby throughout the day, allowing those privileged enough to look beyond our physiological needs towards our social and spiritual ones.

To that end, mustn’t we rely on each individual mother to determine what works best for her child, her family, and . . . herself?

But even if moms don’t actually matter, even if they signed over their rights to personal growth, truth, and happiness the moment their first child was born, they still matter because their experience affects their children.  If a mother is depressed, abusive, addicted to drugs, or simply unfulfilled, her children will be shaped by life with that mother.

So yes, moms do matter.  They matter because they affect their children.  And they matter because, well, mothers are people, too, and their lives are just as valuable as anyone else’s.

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Matters.



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